Wednesday, June 6, 2012

June 6, 2012

Construction has begun.  I have mixed feelings.  Excitement, by far, is leading the way.  However, I am finding a bit of sadness and fear peeping through.  The reference that keeps coming up for me is that of pregnancy.  Trying and trying. Then, finding out you are pregnant and being swarmed with thoughts that you would not have know to consider before.

My biggest question is, "What don't I know that I will need to know?"  That has been one that has plagued me for many,many years and not just in reference to this yoga studio.  I always want to know more. Why?  Because I enjoy finding answers or because I don't want to make the mistakes?  Both.  Lucky for me today, I have a lot of details to concentrate on in preparation for the construction to stay on pace. Therefore, I am not taking the time to run around in circles searching for answers. I am once again reminded of how this relates to a yoga class.  Often, I will go in to practice with something or many things on my mind, but once I commit to "letting go" and concentrate on being present with my practice, (and many times this will take me well into class before reaching the point of surrender) I  find that sense of clarity and calmness; something that I am becoming more familiar with and more comfortable with.

Sunday, May 20, 2012

I woke up from a three hour long nap this evening, with Bill sitting at my feet on the couch.  It has been quite a while since I was that exhausted.  It was the new baby kind of exhaustion.  My exhaustion is the result of a new baby in a different kind of way, you could say.  My "new baby" will be a Bikram Yoga studio.

I am a Bikram yoga teacher. I have been teaching Bikram's yoga for just a little over eight years.  Practicing for not much more than that.  It was only five months into my practice that I decided to go, with great support from Bill, to training. I bring up the great support, not to add more stars to Bill's award chart, although this does merit that acknowledgment, but because I was truly hoping he would state that it was ridiculous and suggest maybe another time.  But he only encouraged me to go and before I could even take a breathe, he was on the phone trying to put in place some of the details to get me there.

This was a classic case of, "When it's meant to be..."  All the details needed to be put into place to get me to training worked out perfectly.  What made it even more interesting was the fact it was only days before training started that I made the decision to go.  At the time, Jack was four and Emma three, so it did seem unusual timing for me to do such a thing.  I had no idea Bikram was an actual living person. I had no idea that I had to memorize, word for word, a dialogue that would guide me in my teaching.  Truthfully, I had little understanding of the yoga.  For me at the time, it was a means to heal my knee and run again.  I was perplexed as to why I was going to training.

But I went.  I stood in front of Bikram on the first day and was allowed to read Half Moon Pose off of the paper because I had received a copy of the dialogue just hours before.  I loved the whole idea of this.  I loved the dialogue.  I loved that I could use my voice in this way and with such purpose.  Thankfully, I had experienced this feeling of gratitude on day one. I would call upon it frequently as a reminder to just trust and continue to move forward because each day that followed day one was filled was layers and layers of garbage thoughts and beliefs I had held onto over the years that were continuing to get me into a lot of trouble.  Unknowingly, I had agreed to take a hard look at myself.  To put myself in a situation that would provide an opportunity for me to become a better human being. And the only way to do this was to face all the ugliness, all the fears,  and the unforgiving heat that went along with Bikram's yoga.

I made it through the nine weeks.  Came back home to my family. Continued to practice.  Started to teach. But, things were different.  And it was a bit unsettling.  But, I kept practicing and I kept teaching and eight years later, I am ready to step into the next part of my Bikram yoga experience.  I am ready to open a studio. Hot Ham Yoga.  Bikram's yoga.

I am excited to be doing this, but I will be honest in saying that the reason it has taken eight years is because of the fear I carried for all those years about not being able to meet my expectations of myself. However, I realized that me setting up unrealistic expectations was just an excuse to stay in my comfort zone.  My daughter Emma, 11, told me a couple of years back that her job as my daughter is to teach me how to be less perfect.

So with that, I promise to do and acknowledge my best each day.

Enjoy my blog and come visit our studio.